I fell asleep really early on Wednesday night and I had a terrible dream. I haven’t watched the real Toronto FC vs Montreal Impact match yet. Please don’t tell me the score. I recorded the game and plan to watch it tonight.
But I had to get this article over to Waking the Red on time, so the following is a glimpse into my warped mind.
In my dream, Tosaint Ricketts scored two goals. Both with his head… Raheem Edwards took the field for a mere 21 minutes and still collected an assist… Michael Bradley defended one-on-one against Ignacio Piatti, late in the game, and won the battle… Armando Cooper got an assist (told you my mind is warped)… fans continued to cheer despite a ridiculous scoreline… TSN’s graphics were error-free. They even updated Toronto’s 2017 goal differential in real time (I know… my imagination knows no bounds!).
It was throwback night at BMO Field. Everyone was transported back to 2011. But without the joys of riding in a DeLorean… Greg Vanney played Jonathan Osorio on the left side even though Oso doesn’t have a left foot. (I know, it’s crazy. But this was my dream and I make no apologies)… all the commentators kept lauding Montreal’s “great” play. But it was TFC that didn’t show up for the game… Eriq Zavaleta looked like Titus Bramble (in my dreams, old EPL’ers frequently make an appearance)… Toronto only intercepted the ball four times and won only five tackles… Cooper gave the ball away four times (some things never change)… Vanney thought that Ben Spencer was the answer and made him the first sub of the match. The really sad part is that he turned out to be one of Toronto’s better players… Steven Caldwell created a new word: “solidity”… the sideline chalk/paint kept sticking to Spencer, Alex Bono and Justin Morrow… the captain looked tired and made several bad decisions (one directly led to Montreal’s third goal). In my dreamland, he needs a rest.
Montreal snapped TFC’s home unbeaten streak. Montreal!… Zavaleta and Bono developed a new game. They called it ‘Iggy Pop’. In this game, the first player to strike the ball off Piatti and have it ‘pop’ into his own net wins… Cooper had a glorious chance on goal and refused to shoot the ball. Instead, he tried to dribble it into the net. His mushy feet got the worst of him… Toronto’s passing was abysmal – weak, slow and without purpose. Perhaps BMO’s turf was overgrown to recover from the recent Argos game. I’m not sure though. In my dream, the groundskeeper refused to be interviewed… some Inebriatti members decided to wear ‘FCK MTL’ shirts. (Now I know that this was a dream, for sure. Toronto fans are better than that)… Steven Beitashour and Drew Moor decided to entertain the crowd by reenacting a scene from Benny Hill… Vanney morphed into Mr. Fuji and managed the team into the ground… Montreal goalie Evan Bush did his best Tito Santana impersonation and wasn’t given a foul. The referee even went to video replay to see if he stuck an iron file in his shorts (in my dreams, WWE wrestlers from my childhood also make the occasional appearance).
What a steaming turd that was. Oh well, at least none of it was real…